Ageing / Ageing Parents

The Truth about Pseudo-Helplessness in Ageing Parents

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Image by Kim Heimbuch from Pixabay

Introduction

I would guess many of you with ageing parents will have thought about how yours and your parents roles have reversed. I certainly did that.

It’s troubling, to say the least. We don’t want to see our parents behaving like children. We think of how once, not so long ago, our parents were strong and dependable. They were our rocks. They always knew what was right.

And we see them know – and let’s face it, we see in them how we may be in time.

Many of us as children will have indulged in a bit or pseudo-helplessness; especially when we wanted to avoid doing something our parents knew was good for us.

Pseudo-helplessness is a concept that refers to older adults (it can be children and younger adults, but this post is about our ageing parents) who are capable of managing their own lives but believe they cannot.

This belief often leads to undue reliance on their children or caregivers, creating a dynamic that can be challenging for both the older adults and their families.

This article explores the intricacies of pseudo-helplessness, its impact on family dynamics, strategies for managing it, and resources that can provide further support.

As our population ages, the dynamics of family caregiving are becoming increasingly complex. Many families find themselves grappling with the challenges of caring for ageing parents who, despite their ability to manage their own lives, develop a reliance on their children or caregivers.

This phenomenon, known as pseudo-helplessness, can create a web of emotional and practical difficulties that strain family relationships and impact the well-being of both the older adults and their caregivers.

So, let’s take a closer look at pseudo-helplessness and see how we might offer support that empowers rather than diminishes the autonomy of our loved ones.

Definition and Characteristics of Pseudo-Helplessness

Pseudo-helplessness is distinct from learned helplessness, though they share some similarities. While learned helplessness arises from repeated exposure to uncontrollable and adverse events, leading to a belief in one’s powerlessness, pseudo-helplessness is more about an individual’s perception of their abilities.

Pseudo-helpless older adults often feel self-pity and anxiety about ageing, which can manifest in demanding excessive attention and help from their children or caregivers. This behaviour can be situational, triggered by specific events or crises, but it may also become chronic.

One key characteristic of pseudo-helplessness is that these individuals may exaggerate minor physical symptoms into significant dramas of fear and anxiety.

They might also use their difficulties to gain an inappropriate amount of time and attention from their caregivers. For instance, an older adult might claim they can manage independently but will cry for help the moment their child is particularly involved elsewhere.

Impact on Families

The behaviour of pseudo-helpless older adults can significantly impact their families, particularly their children. Children may become overly involved in their parents’ lives, sometimes becoming martyrs to their parents’ perceived needs.

This undue involvement can lead to disruptions in the children’s personal lives and relationships, as they might prioritize their parents’ needs over their own.

An illustrative case involves a middle-aged man, let’s call him Edward, whose mother managed well some of the time but could become suddenly helpless, particularly during critical moments in her life. This behaviour created a persistent demand on Edward’s time and attention, often leading to the neglect of his personal and professional responsibilities.

For instance, whenever he was about to embark on a significant business trip or handle an important family event, Edward’s mother would invariably experience a crisis, necessitating immediate intervention.

This constant need for attention and support disrupted the Edward’s ability to maintain a balanced life, contributing to feelings of frustration and emotional exhaustion.

Managing Pseudo-Helplessness

Managing pseudo-helplessness involves several strategies, primarily centred around understanding, communication, and setting boundaries.

  1. Understanding the Ageing Process:
    • Many pseudo-helpless behaviours stem from a lack of knowledge about the normal ageing process. Educating both the older adults and their caregivers about what to expect as they age can help alleviate exaggerated fears. Logical explanations and reassurance from a child, nurse, doctor, or social worker can often allay anxiety and prevent episodes of panic.
  2. Clear Communication:
    • Open and honest communication is crucial in managing pseudo-helplessness. It is important to listen to the older adult’s concerns and needs without immediately jumping to conclusions about what is best for them. Effective communication helps in understanding their desires and inclinations, which can lead to better support and care strategies.
  3. Setting Boundaries:
    • Children need to establish what they can reasonably offer without compromising their own lives. Saying no to unreasonable demands is essential to maintain a healthy relationship and ensure the well-being of both generations. Boundaries help prevent feelings of bitterness, tension, and resentment that might build up if children feel overburdened by their parents’ demands.

Case Study: Stephanie

The case of Stephanie provides a poignant example of the challenges and consequences of pseudo-helplessness. Stephanie was a widow in her late 70s. She lived independently despite her children’s concerns about her safety and well-being.

A spate of burglaries in the area where Stephanie lived caused her children to become increasingly concerned about her. They eventually persuaded her to move in with one of them. However, the move, aimed at keeping her safe, led to her becoming apathetic, physically frail and quite ill.

This case underscores the importance of understanding the kind of help an older adult needs and the potential harm of well-meaning interference. Stephanie’s children, though eager to help, lacked the understanding and knowledge to provide the right kind of support, ultimately weakening rather than strengthening her capacities.

Strategies for Supporting Pseudo-Helpless Older Adults

Supporting pseudo-helpless older adults effectively requires a combination of empathy, education, and practical planning.

  1. Empathy and Respect:
    • Approach your ageing parents with empathy and respect. Acknowledge their feelings and fears, but also gently encourage them to recognize their own capabilities. Reinforce their sense of independence and self-worth by respecting their decisions and preferences whenever possible.
  2. Practical Education:
    • Educate your parents about the normal ageing process to help them understand that not every physical symptom is a cause for alarm. Providing them with information about what to expect as they age can help reduce their anxiety and reliance on others.
  3. Advance Planning:
    • Planning for future needs while the parent is still independent is vital. This involves discussions about health, safety, social connections, and finances. Advance planning helps prepare for potential crises and ensures that everyone involved understands the older adult’s wishes and needs.
  4. Professional Support:
    • Consider involving professionals such as geriatric care managers, social workers, or counsellors who can provide additional support and guidance. These professionals can help navigate complex care situations and offer strategies for managing pseudo-helpless behaviours.

Additional Resources on Pseudo-Helplessness

To further explore and address pseudo-helplessness, there are various resources available that provide practical advice, support, and information. The resources below are by no means an exhaustive list.

  1. Books and Articles:

The links above are Amazon affiliate links.

  1. Websites and Online Resources:
  2. Support Groups and Counseling:
    • Local caregiver support groups: Many communities offer support groups where caregivers can share experiences and strategies for managing difficult behaviors.
    • Geriatric care managers: Professionals who can help families navigate the complexities of elder care and set appropriate boundaries.
  3. Workshops and Seminars:
    • Alzheimer’s Society: Offers workshops beneficial even for those not dealing directly with Alzheimer’s but facing similar caregiving challenges.
    • Age UK: Provides a wi9de range of resources.

By utilizing these resources, you can gain a deeper understanding of pseudo-helplessness and find practical strategies to support both the older adults in their lives and themselves as caregivers.

Conclusion

Pseudo-helplessness presents a unique set of challenges for ageing parents and their families. It requires a delicate balance of empathy, education, and practical planning to manage effectively.

By understanding the underlying causes of pseudo-helpless behaviour and implementing strategies to address it, families can support their ageing loved ones in maintaining their independence and well-being.

The books, websites and resources listed above may help you. At the very least, you will realise that you are not alone.

If you have experience of pseudo helplessness with parents, please share you stories in the comments below.

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